无老师iBT新托福,SAT作文巨讲堂(2012年07月号)

无老师满分范例:Another reason is that modern people are more effective than those in the past. And great efficiency is one fundamental way to success. We are able to make use of many tools increasing productivity today. For instance, the computer plays an important role in our life in terms of efficiency. As I want to search material concerning the “nuclear energy”, all I have to do is to type this term on Google and a great number of sources will pop out on the screen. Given the past, I had to go to the library and bury me a couple of days looking for the information on nuclear energy without the assistance of computers. The distance is conspicuous, thus modern people with advanced technology would succeed more readily. 无老师优秀翻译:另外一个原因是现代的人比之前的人效率会更高。更好的效率是成功的一个关键因素。我们今天可以更好地使用工具来提高我们的效率。比如,电脑就在增加我们效率这方面上起到了很重要的作用。当我想搜寻关于核能源的材料的时候,我所需要做的所有的事情就是将这个词输入google,然后接下来很多的资料就会呈现在我的屏幕上。如果是在过去,我就不得不去图书馆,把自己埋在资料堆里好几天来寻找关于核能源的信息,如果没有电脑帮助的话。这里的差距很明显,因此拥有高科技的当代人将会更容易成功。 无老师平庸范例:Another reason is that the modern people have more efficiency than the past people. The better efficiency is important to success. Today, we may use the computer to improve our efficiency. For example, the computer is very important to our success. When I want to find the “nuclear energy” material, all I need to do is imputing the word in the google, and then the information will show from the screen. If we lived in the past, we have to go to the library to find the information about the “nuclear energy”, because we have the computer. The difference is very obvious, so the modern people who have high technology would easier to be successful. 无老师精析:本篇作文的第一段和第二段水平欠佳,因此被无老师忽略,直接从第三段开始为大家展示。 首先第一句:优秀范例很赞!Another reason is that modern people are more effective than those in the past.对比平庸范例Another reason is that the modern people have more efficiency than the past people.显然这里的差别只在最后一点,也就是优秀范例写的是in the past,平庸范例写的是the past people。这里的差别主要在于past当做形容词来用的时候表示的是“刚过去的”,或者“以前的”总有一点“按照时间顺序的前面的几位”这样一种感觉,因此实际上,我们很少把它当做形容词来使用,在真正写作文的时候,我们大多数情况下用的还是in the past这种表达方法。 第二句就厉害了。优秀范例写的是And great efficiency is one fundamental way to success.平庸范例写的是The better efficiency is important to success.首先优秀返利的great就比平庸范例的better要好,因为great本身就有一种“比平庸的更好一点”的这种感觉,因此平庸范例的better就显得画蛇添足了。而且优秀范例的one fundamental way为我们的important开辟了一种新的表达方法,显得比较新颖,因为“更根本性的”方式,也就是“更重要的”方式。 第三句:优秀范例是We are able to make use of many tools increasing productivity today.再来看平庸范例Today, we may use the computer to improve our efficiency.这里的差别主要在于优秀范例用了make use of这个固定搭配。而且人们往往注意不到的是优秀范例还用了非谓语动词increasing,使得整个句子的逻辑性非常的连贯。 第四句优秀范例又发威了For instance, the computer plays an important role in our life in terms of efficiency.对比平庸范例For example, the computer is very important in the efficiency.显然优秀范例的plays an important role这个固定搭配用的很给力,而且最后的in terms of也是我们平时很难用到的,其实它往往可以直接换用in,但是我们一定要注意使用的语境,往往是表达“在……方面”的时候,才进行换用。 第五句优秀范例也是写的很给力As I want to search material concerning the “nuclear energy”, all I have to do is to type this term on Google and a great number of sources will pop out on the screen.平庸范例则是完败!When I want to find the “nuclear energy” material, all I need to do is imputing the word in the google, and then the information will show from the screen.优秀范例的As这个词不见得高级,但是贵在用词的多样化。然后优秀范例的material concerning the “nuclear energy”表示的是关于核能的相关信息和数据,但是平庸范例的“nuclear energy” material则有可能让人误解是制作核能的原材料。而且优秀范例的term这个词意思是“名词”就显得比平庸范例的“word”更为书面化,也更为准确。最后优秀范例的“pop out”更是显得十分的地道,而且有动感,可以说完胜平庸范例的show这个词。 然后下面的优秀范例“Given the past, I had to go to the library and bury me a couple of days looking for the information on nuclear energy without the assistance of computers.”也是比平庸范例的If we lived in the past, we have to go to the library to find the information about the “nuclear energy”, because we have the computer.漂亮很多。首先优秀范例头部的Given the past就用到了Given,表示“如果有(机会等)”的意思,这里也就是“如果是在过去”,显然比平庸范例的If we lived in the past漂亮多了。而且优秀范例的bury me a couple of days looking for写的也是十分的传神,颇似我们经常说的“把自己埋在书堆里”的感觉。只是优秀范例最后的without the assistance of computers虽然without用的简洁有力,但是稍显画蛇添足,其实去掉也是可以的。 至于最后一句话,优秀范例“The distance is conspicuous, thus modern people with advanced technology would succeed more readily. ”对比平庸范例The difference is very obvious, so the modern people who have high technology would easier to be successful.则是亮点不多。只是在advanced technology比平庸范例的high technology显得更地道,还有就是在最后的more readily显然比平庸范例的单纯的easier用词更为多样化。

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